OUT ON THE HILL is the official blog of the Victory Congressional Interns. Views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of LGBTQ+ Victory Institute. Learn more about the internship at victoryinstitute.org/vci.
__________________________
As I look back on the past ten weeks during the Victory Congressional Internship, I cannot help but feel such pride in the person I have become. Scratch that, the person I am finally willing to show up as, because I now know that this is who I always was; I just was too scared to show it.
Ten weeks ago, I was afraid to walk in a room and not alter a part of myself to make sure everyone else was comfortable. But oh my gosh that was exhausting. I was constantly petrified to be too much, or to possibly make a wrong move, so much so that sometimes I stopped entering the room.
In an atmosphere like DC you are told to be authentic, yet personable, kind, but assertive, willing to ask for help, but not ask too many questions. But after a while, I think all of these “social norms,” mean you start to truly lose yourself. The saddest part was, that as I was getting all this advice, I realized none of it was new, because my whole life I have altered who I was to make everyone else comfortable. I realized this advice was so ingrained in me, that I had never walked in a room as my true self. I did not allow myself to be anything that wasn’t “acceptable” to those around me. But what is acceptable? And who decided these standards?
During my time in DC, I was encouraged to engage in coffee chats to build my network. Through these conversations I challenged myself to ignore the standards. I was new here, no one knew me, or what I was “supposed” to be, it was time to finally feel safe enough to come out and be me. So I did, I started authentically showing up: questions, flaws, and all. And you know what happened? NOTHING BAD! Instead, something so good! I stopped being afraid to walk in new rooms, and I felt so happy and free.
These past ten weeks might have been filled with the most joy I have ever experienced. I have met friends that force me to stop shrinking. These friends remind me to fill the room. That is what this experience has been about: finding myself. There is no better way to do that than in a program where you fundamentally have to show a part of yourself that you may have been hiding for a long time!
Now, this wouldn’t be a Samantha Tipton blog post if there wasn’t a metaphor in it:
Over the last ten weeks, I drank a lot of coffee during coffee chats and had many lattes on solo adventures. I realized over and over again that the way people drink their coffee is varies so much. I like it sweet and iced, you might like it hot and bitter. So, I shouldn’t give you my coffee, and you shouldn’t give me yours. But, I would never tell you to not order your coffee the way you like it! So why do we show up doing what we think other people want? Why do we fake who we are? Why are we not loud and gay, dressing the way we want to?
The more I walked in the rooms, the more I realized we all have some innate part of our brains that tell us we have to fit in, that we have to fit the room we’re in. And you know what, NO! THE ROOM IS SUPPOSED TO FIT YOU! The coffee is supposed to be to your preference, not the other way around. So as I leave this program, I will continue to challenge myself to walk in a room authentically because I do not have to be everyone’s cup of coffee!
