OUT ON THE HILL is the official blog of the Victory Congressional Interns. Views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of LGBTQ+ Victory Institute. Learn more about the internship at victoryinstitute.org/vci.
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In his memoir of his lover’s death from AIDS, poet Mark Doty writes,
“All my life I’ve lived with a future which constantly diminishes but never vanishes.”
I often think about this quote because this is how I see the world – I see a constantly diminishing future despite how far I have come in life; I can’t help but feel as if there is this threat that hovers over like a storm cloud.
I have always struggled to conceptualize the future because I believed that I may not make it there and that something would inevitably go awry, forcing me onto a different path. I even hesitated to accept the Victory Congressional Internship, plagued by doubts about whether my flights would successfully transport me to Washington or if I had actually been selected for the program. Perhaps some of this perception is rooted in the fact that I am the first in my family to obtain a college degree, defying the odds and making it further than I had ever imagined.
Along the way, I left a lot of things unplanned because I was never sure I would make it to this point, let alone an internship on Capitol Hill. This anxiety of a diminishing future has prompted me to prioritize the present moment, to live in the here and now, and almost assume the future will not come. However, I am not alone in this regard, as the concept of perceiving time in this way has been explored and is widely recognized as ‘queer time.’
Queer time, extensively written about by Jack Halberstam, recognizes that individuals may experience time differently due to factors such as identity and levels of marginalization, embracing the fluidity and nonconformity of temporal experiences. To be queer is to exist in opposition to societal norms, going against heteronormative standards and embracing this ‘other’ existence. This concept views time as nonlinear or disrupted, with historical events such as the AIDS crisis being a catalyst for many adopting this distortion. The rapid spread of the disease and the high mortality rates created a sense of urgency and crisis that ruptured the expected life trajectories of many individuals. This temporal disruption forced queer communities to confront their mortality and question the assumptions of linear progression in their lives. These feelings still linger on as discrimination and hate run rampant in many parts of the world, leading to queer time becoming a universal consciousness. While I have only accepted my queerness in recent years, I have always felt as if my future is diminishing or nonexistent. I never thought I would make it this far both in terms of age and positionality.
If my younger self saw the person I have become, I don’t think she would be able to recognize me. Growing up with a single parent in rural Idaho, and especially as the first in my family to attend college, I only saw a world of limited possibilities. I had big goals and aspirations but felt there was no way of achieving them. The realization of my dreams was consistently hindered by financial barriers and the practical limitations I faced. Not only did I have to break down these barriers, but I also had to accept the fact that I am different from my peers. I do not fit into the strict boxes of heteronormativity and have had to learn how to cope with this, especially in the unwelcoming spaces of Idaho. It has felt like an uphill battle, and still does, especially as I enter rooms on Capitol Hill dominated by masculine presences who do not take me seriously, creating this fight for legitimacy.
Despite this, each day I prove to myself that there is a world of possibility for people like me. People who may come from broken homes, are from states that are often forgotten about, were not expected to make it this far, and do not fit into normative standards – people who are a part of the other.
Before coming here, I was told that D.C. and Capitol Hill truly are the belly of the beast, where many are humbled by the real world. While there are days when I genuinely recognize the validity of these sentiments, my experience has been filled with moments that have completely challenged the concept of queer time and my cynicism.
As an intern within the House Democratic Caucus, I contribute to the collaborative efforts of our team in establishing a secure and inclusive environment for House Democrats to convene on a weekly basis, fostering open dialogue, and addressing various issues at hand. Whether I am holding the door open and signing in members such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or telling Maxine Waters where to bulk order mini tabasco sauce, these actions that might seem minuscule allow for the political process to unfold. There truly is power in the process – a process I never thought I would take part in until I applied for Victory’s internship program.
While I have been here, I have been trying to live in the here and now, even if it means some neglect towards the future. I may never get the chance to be in one space with the same individuals in this cohort again, some of who I have grown to love and who I have found a community within. Although we come from all different walks of life, I have found so much common ground with every single one of my friends here it feels as if I have known them for much longer than three weeks. Every day I look forward to our debrief sessions where we get together to celebrate the wins and losses of our experiences as Hillterns. They have demonstrated to me that despite differences and distances from familiarity, the bonds of community can be forged in unexpected places. That is the beauty of queer communities.
Right now, I still am not fully looking ahead to the future due to my skewed perception, but I am here in D.C., and I know I am figuring it out slowly. I feel as if I am looking at many different paths for the future, which have only materialized in the past few weeks. I am straying further from the flawed misconceptions created by queer time, and I am creating my own time– where I am surrounded by so many inspiring individuals and proving to myself that I do have a place here. Even if I never saw it coming.
